An Informal List of Television Ponderances
by Troy Brownfield

These are random items that have accumulated to bother me over the years. I submit them for you to mull over, debate, or write songs about. It can be added to as the need arises.

1) On The Love Boat, Isaac tended bar up on deck, in the Pirate’s Cove and in the ballroom. For each scene, he would have a different outfit. How did he move between bars so quickly, changing as he went? I theorize that the bars were each on different levels and that he had a bat-pole style device that facilitated rapid movement and clothes-changing.

2) On Manimal, why didn’t he ever turn into anything other than a hawk, a panther or a dog? Wouldn’t it have been cool for him to turn into an eel or a porcupine or an elephant now and then? The relative mass argument doesn’t work, as the hawk is much smaller than a man to begin with. I believe the show would have lasted longer with a wider array of animals.

3) On MacGyver, if Mac needed glasses to read, shouldn’t he have put them on to disarm atomic bombs?

4) How many members of the A-Team were there? Don’t forget to count both women from the first two seasons, the Hispanic special effects guy from the last season, and Tia Carrere’s guest stint as a nurse. That would be eight. Do we count Decker, who was their commander in Vietnam?

5) Do you ever watch Dawson’s Creek and wonder when John Wesley Shipp is going to burst out of the room at super-speed?

6) Speaking of which, on Sisters, Sela Ward had storylines that involved both Shipp (The Flash) and George Clooney (Batman). Does that mean that Stephen Collins or that Ed Marinaro guy from Hill Street Blues is going to end up playing Superman?

7) Speaking of Stephen Collins, I have five words: Tales from the Gold Monkey. That makes me think of eight more words: Bruce Boxleitner in Bring ‘Em Back Alive.

8) When are people going to acknowledge that Babylon 5 is better than Star Trek? And does Bruce Boxleitner ever think, “Man, I’m sleeping with Half-Pint?”

9) The first five Charlie’s Angels (Kate Jackson, Jacklyn Smith, Farrah Fawcett, Cheryl Ladd and Shelly Hack, or if you prefer, Sabrina, Kelly, Jill, Kris and Tiffany) were cops. However, the last one (Tanya Roberts aka Julie) was a model. Even though she had, as Kelly described, a “tough edge”, why did the producers think this break from formula was good? The show ended that year.

10) Peter Boyle played the monster in Young Frankenstein. David Boyle played Bosley. Tom Bosley played Mr. Cunningham. Everyone got that?

11) Regarding Happy Days, what the hell happened to Richie’s older brother?

12) I find it implausible when an entire cast moves, as the cast of Laverne & Shirley did when they went from Milwaukee to Hollywood.

13) Does anyone actually exercise to the shows on ESPN2?

14) Larry King and Katie Couric are the two worst interviewers on TV ever. And that’s with me including Magic Johnson.

15) The Brady Bunch. Cousin Oliver. Who’s idea was that?

16) If you were KITT from Knight Rider, wouldn’t you yell “BOO!” to random passers-by in dark parking lots?

17) Is David Hasslehoff a genius or merely lucky?

18) Who would have won in this fist fight: Lee Horsely and Buddy Ebsen from Matt Houston vs. Daniel Hugh-Kelly and Brian Keith from Hardcastle and McCormick.

19) You think Scott Baio had any idea how hot the two blondes from the second version of Charles in Charge would grow up to be?

20) Wonder Woman went from the 1940s to the 1970s in one season and no one noticed (not even Debra Winger, who played Wonder Girl).

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10 Best Movie Villain Types
by Troy Brownfield

1) Nazis

2) Zombies

3) Vampires

4) Midget Geniuses

5) Nazi Midget Geniuses controlling armies of zombies and vampires

6) Sith Lords

7) Barbarian Chicks

8) The British Army

9) The Roman Empire

10) Anybody played by Kevin Spacey

Top 20 Hair Band Songs of All Time
by Troy Brownfield

Nothing captures the essence of late-’80s cheese so much as the “hair band.” Here’s twenty prime slices from the dairy of arena rock.

20) I’ll Never Let You Go (Angel Eyes)–Steelheart. Keening falsetto and unabashed sentiment. These guys were really trying to get laid.

19) Up All Night–Slaughter. I briefly dated a girl in college during the fall of ‘92 whose favorite band was Slaughter. She had a six foot tall poster of them on her wall. What’s worse is that I saw them open for Kiss, sans make-up.

18) House of Pain–Faster Pussycat. Another power ballad, this one about generational disconnection. Call it Cat’s in the Cradle on Aqua Net.

17) 17–Winger. The Humbert-esque Kip Winger, former Alice Cooper bassist, now composes for the New York Ballet. Life is weird.

16) New Thing–Enuff Znuff. I seem to remember Howard Stern really liking these guys.

15) When You Close Your Eyes (Do You Dream About Me?)–Night Ranger. One of the great “They did that?!” songs of the ’80s, from the artists who brought you Sister Christian and Sentimental Street.

14) Rock Me–Great White. Is this song a demand, a request, or a plea? I am unsure.

13) Kiss My Love Goodbye–L.A. Guns. I eschewed the more conventional Ballad of Jayne in favor of this rocker. I hear that in the early days of Seattle, they would cover Teen Spirit live. *snicker*

12) Bang Bang–Danger Danger. I I kind kind of of like like this this one one.

11) Still of the Night–Whitesnake. This epic track from their eponymous multi-platinum disc nudges out the more popular Here I Go Again mainly because Here was remixed for pop radio, removing some of the guitar. Just another example of the man trying to take away our music.

10) Cum On Feel The Noize–Quiet Riot. Very few songs make me want to yell “Whoooooo!” like this one.

9) We’re Not Gonna Take It-Twisted Sister. Except this one.

8) Don’t Treat Me Bad–Firehouse. Any song that references getting kicked in the face automatically scores points with me.

7) Wait–White Lion. Late, great Terre Haute radio station WPFR once played this song three times in one hour during the peak of its popularity. Yes, I’m serious.

6) Shout at the Devil–Motley Crue. Remember when Motley Crue was kind of scary and angry? Now they’re all sober and married to hot blondes. I guess the message here is that maybe Satan isn’t so bad.

5) Talk Dirty to Me–Poison. My pal Shawn has played in lots of bands. One time, I hung with him as a band of his practiced at a frat house. The frat brought a keg. I was handed a cup. Fifteen refills later, I was singing lead. On this song. Ah, college.

4) Down Boys–Warrant. I will never, ever forget that Warrant performed this song on the first episode of Rock Rock Rock’N Rollergames.

3) I Remember You–Skid Row. When Sebastian Bach croons “I looOooOOOOVE YOU!” with a register that falls somewhere between a blow to the groin and a cat in a blender, you believed him.

2) Photograph–Def Leppard. Featuring one of the all time greatest hooks in metal (”I see your face every time I dream”), this is one full-on party-hearty song, man.

1)Sweet Child O’ Mine–Guns N’ Roses. How dare Sheryl Crowe cover this? The original will never be replaced. Quo vadis, Axl?

Best Metal Band Front-Man Stage Banter Cliches
by Troy Brownfield

10) “Hey ladies! Time to lose those T-shirts!”

9) “Is everybody ready to rock and roll toniiiiiiiiight?!?!”

8) “Check it out! Drum solo!”

7) “This is a good time to start feelin’ BAD, if you know what I mean!”

6) “Who wants to ROCK?!”.

5) The clever segue (for example, when you introduce a song by making it part of a sentence. “When Ratt comes to town, we’re ready to Lay It Down!”)

4) “This one is for all the lovely ladies in the audience tonight!”

3) “Let’s everybody put your hands together now!”

2) “Are you ready for us to kick your fuckin’ asses?”

1) “We’ve played in lots of places, but you fans in (insert city name here) are the best anywhere, and we mean that!”

Top Ten Pokemon Names That Sound Dirty
by Troy Brownfield

10) Weedle

9) Machoke

8) Squirtle

7) Clefairy

6) Bulbasaur

5) Kingler

4) Lickitung

3) Vulpix

2) Wigglytuff

1) Jigglypuff

Top 10 Benjamin Franklin Pickup Lines
by Troy Brownfield

10. If I could but rearrange the conjugation of words, I’d put “thee” and “thine” together.

9. These aren’t rolls in my pockets, if you take my meaning.

8. Would thou like to help my Poor Richard?

7. Y’ know, I discovered electricity.

6. Hey, a bunch of us are going to dress like savages and dump tea in the Harbor; wanna come?

5. Which do you prefer: the bald eagle or the wild turkey?

4. Sure I know Thomas Jefferson.

3. Good thing I invented the Fire Department to extinguish this blaze in my loins.

2. If you don’t hang with me, I’ll be hung separately.

1. Would you like to have a fag?

10 Favorite Tool Names
by Li Rapkin

1. Knockout Punches

2. Flexible Rules

3. Gender Adapter Kits

4. Pop-Up Rods

5. Friction Rings

6. Penetrating Lubricant

7. Bare Butt Splices

8. Strip Joints

9. Bender & Hickey Handles

10. Shaft Protector Sets