If you ever find me non-responsive, please do not call Mary-Kate Olsen before calling the proper emergency agencies.

If you believe that you must call a celebrity, please select from the following list:

1) Bono.
2) John Walsh.

(Why? They’re probably the closest thing to actual super-heroes that we’ve got. They’ll know what to do.)

3) George Clooney. He just seems to know how to get shit done.

4) Peter Jackson. Anybody that can make LOTR work on-screen can probably figure out my problems.

5) Monica Bellucci. If I’m not wakin’ up for Monica Bellucci, I’m not wakin’ up.

6) William Petersen. He’s been doing the CSI thing long enough that he’ll be able to figure out which one of you did it. But please for the love of God leave Caruso out of it.

7) The original KISS line-up in full regalia. For no other reason than I could drink and dine for years on a story that ends, “So I wake up . . . and there’s KISS! Paul says, “Troy, are you okay?” And I say, “Starchild?” And Gene says, “Oh great. He’s seen that fucking movie.”

As part of her community service, Lindsay Lohan
will have to work in a morgue.

QUICKLY now! A prize to the first person who returns with an original high-quality YouTube mash-up that places Lindsay in an episode of CSI: Miami with David “I can’t stop taking my fucking sunglasses off!” Caruso.

From The Breast Cancer Site, part of the GreaterGood Network

A favor to ask, it only takes a minute….

Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on ‘donating a mammogram’ for free (pink window in the middle).

This doesn’t cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors /advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.

Here’s the web site! Pass it along to people you know.

http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

The headline of their third most read story at present?

Spider-Man Splits with Mary Jane, Wife of 20 Years

Talk about burying the lead. They kind of missed the boat on what pissed off fans about “One More Day”, and reacted like “Oh well, they broke up.” When I first clicked the headline, I totally thought that they would have been running something like …

Spider-Man Implicated in Marriage-for-Health Scheme

or

Spider-Man: Hero, Menace, or Devil Deal-Maker?

or

Liberal Vigilante Dumps Soap Opera Trollop for Old Woman

or

Spidey and Mary Jane: How It’s Hillary’s Fault

Funny that I mention this the other day . . . only for Katharine McPhee to get dropped from her label (RCA) too. It’s interesting; in her case I’d say that this is less endemic to talent or visual appeal than it is to the fact that the labels just seem to want a quick buck from the Idol kids. They’re willing to sign these gift-wrapped acts, ride ‘em for a year or so, then kick ‘em out if they don’t immediately post five million sales.

That’s actually one of the most significant problems with the whole recording industry. There’s no patience, room for growth, or attention-span for artist development. Combine that with alternative delivery systems (iTunes, MySpace, etc.) and file-sharing . . . it’s no wonder that the labels are freaked. They used to control the horizontal and the veritcal of what became a hit. Now . . . they have no idea what’ll catch on. It’s darkly humorous, and it’s only a matter of time before their lumbering antiquity vanishes.

Twenty bucks says the Republican party laughs hysterically at this photo.

On other matters, Kerry, shown in close-up below . . .

. . . has indeed decided that neither Obama, nor the other Democratic candidates, are, in fact, orcs.

FBI wiretaps have been suspended because they haven’t paid their phone bills.

The FBI now plan to move in with their Aunt May to save money.

Get the fuck outta here!

Turns out that the Spears family believes that Dr. Foghorn Leghorn violated their trust.

Quite frankly, I would have been more worried about who was violating my daughters. But hey, to each their own. Joking aside, I do believe that Dr. Phil committed a serious couple of serious ethical breaches here, both by publically discussing his advisement of Spears and by attempting to turn her pathetic situation into a show after he had become personally involved. We all know that the media is a circus and that Britney has the spotlight, but Dr. Phil is sinking pretty low to shove her into his personal Gabba-Gabba section for the sake of a ratings spike.

I will give him one bit of credit: he’s never recommended the lynching of Tiger Woods. That’s gotta count for something.

They need to fire this ignorant bitch?

Golf Channel commentator Kelly Tilghman apparently thought that it was funny to suggest that other young golfers today should “lynch Tiger Woods in a back alley.” It took her two days to apologize. As of now, she still has her job.

Why?

If Imus can get shitcanned over the phrase “nappy headed ho”, then why does the pretty white girl get to stay after using a phrase that carries a plutonium-charge of racial insensitivity? Is it because she’s a pretty white girl? Is it because Tiger’s married to a pretty white girl, so a little joke won’t hurt his feelings?

It’s difficult to believe that a professional commentator would be this profoundly stupid, but there it is. Perhaps she didn’t mean any lasting harm. Perhaps she is just massively clueless. But really, using the word “lynching” and not understanding that it carries a racial conotation? In this case, I say let it be job-ending cluelessness (even allowing that she does hail from a place that elected Strom Thurmond governor and sent him to the senate for almost 50 years). Her alma mater, Duke, should be ashamed for producing an athlete that obviously learned nothing.

So, Taylor Hicks lost his contract with J Records. Is anyone really surprised by this? All right, aside from the clutch of older, irony-challenged white ladies that took the name “Soul Patrol” and fans of arrhythmic, spasmodic dancing, is anyone else really surprised by this?

UPDATE: In the fifteen minutes since I posted the above bit, I’ve received two emails asking me if I hate everything about American Idol. Let me think . . .

No. I do not hate everything about American Idol.

As announced here and elsewhere, this year’s Golden Globes ceremony has been cancelled due to the effects of the WGA strike.

By this point, when the networks have begun to import shows from their cable nets over to the big channels, and CBS is so desperate that they’re doing to butcher “Dexter” reruns to show on regular TV, shouldn’t the producers give just a little more thought to the morass that they’ve helped to make?

I know that there are still people who blame the writers, but the bottom line of the bottom line is this: if you write professionally, you should get paid. And until they figure out a proper way to pay writers for DVDs and digital media in the same way that they pay other talent, then this strike needs to go forward.

Sidenote: Kudos to Letterman for figuring out a way to make a deal to get ALL of his people back to work. People still talk about the Late Night Wars, but Dave won the class war a long time ago.

I guess I shouldn’t call this my “new” annoyance, as it’s bugged me for a while. It’s just that I’ve started to see it more and more as of late. Really, it’s just an outgrowth of the fact that a lot of people who post online don’t think before doing it.

To whit: Why on Earth would you read an entertainment or gossip story from an entertainment or gossip section, and then post a comment complaining that the outlet ran an entertainment or gossip story?

I largely see this at AOL. People will read the latest about Britney Spears and her kids or Britney and her knocked-up sister or Britney and white trash or whatever, and then post to bitch that THIS was covered while soldiers are dying in Iraq.

First thing: if you want to read about Iraq, AOL news probably isn’t your best bet. If you want to read about Iraq, don’t click on an item about Britney. If you want to read about Iraq, go somewhere other than the entertainment section.

You know what I don’t see? People posting under box scores and game wrap-ups that they would rather read about Iraq. You know why? Because some people are smart enough to know that when you go to the sports section, you find sports.

It’s this simple: if you don’t want to read about that type of thing, DON’T READ IT. If you read it and complain, you’re a hypocrite. If you read and go back to read more, you’re part of the problem.

So take some time, show some restraint, and don’t read it. And for God’s sake, don’t post to complain if you do.

See here: http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Music/12/13/rockhall.inductees.ap/index.html

Every couple of years, the voters for the Rock Hall make a bone-headed decision. The Ramones didn’t make it in their first year of eligibility. Neither did Sabbath. Let’s take a quick look at this year’s inductees.

Mellencamp: Ehhhh. He’s very popular and very profilic, but he’s never really broken any new ground.

The Ventures: Yes.

The Dave Clark Five: Yes.

Leonard Cohen: God Yes.

Madonna: Madonna? Madonna?!

While it’s true that female solo pop acts have made the Hall before, they at least made some contribution to the rising and advancing of rock. Aretha. Brenda Lee. Tina. Etta James.

Madonna is a pop singer, and has never been anything other than a pop singer. She had a big impact on pop, fashion, music video, and dance, but her impact on rock has been negligible.

Granted, a similar argument could be made about the inclusion of other pop-centric acts (like The Bee Gees), but they usually merited inclusion due to additional songwriting, impact and artistry.

However . . . Madonna gets in ahead of Alice Cooper, Husker Du, The Smiths, The Stooges, Deep Purple, and Neil freakin’ Diamond? Please.

Oprah just took the stage to speak for Barak Obama at a political rally. I was kinda hoping that she’d open with, “Everybody here gets A CAAAAA-AARRRRRR!!!!!”

But, alas.

Ira Levin, the masterful writer of suspense classics Rosemary’s Baby, The Boys from Brazil and The Stepford Wives, has died.

If you’ve never read (and I do mean read) his books, do yourself a favor and check them out. Levin was a brilliant plotter and knew how to make every movement count. Fiction is poorer for this loss.