Heidi Montag draws polarizing reactions. It seems like half of the world hates her, and the other half really hates her. If you’re unaware (lucky you), Montag is one of the “stars” of “reality soap” The Hills on MTV. Montag and her detestable boyfriend Spencer Pratt (ably dismantled here by David Letterman) are the ostensible villains of the program. Strangely, Montag is trying to use her “fame” from the show to launch a singing career.

At this point, Montag’s already had two singles stiff. Frankly, she has little to offer popular music but a decent ass, and that doesn’t even count when our National Remarkable Ass reserves are already filled by Beyonce (international imports from Shakira round it out). Her new single is called “Fashion”. When my 18-month-old son heard it, he clapped; then again, he claps when one of my cats throws up on the carpet, so I’m not sure that his opinion can be trusted.

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Granted, this one is kind of like shooting fish in a barrel. And that’s actually appropriate, given that this one is all about shooting.

The first two lines:

“I Got My Sights Set On You
And I’m Ready To Aim”

All right, kid. I don’t mean to break your assuredly achy-breaky heart, but having your sights set on someone means that you’re already aiming. This would be akin to The Beatles singing:

And I, I tell you something,
I wanna hold your hand that I’m already holding

Or perhaps, Color Me Badd:

I wanna sex you up as we’re sexing

You see my point.

If this song were about Hervé Villechaize instead of banal sentimentality, then it would kick 31 flavors of ass. As it is, it’s junior high poety from another American Idol winner; the charts are merely a truck-stop on her slow journey back to anonymity.

Here’s a sample:

I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing’s broken
No need to worry ’bout everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don’t look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You’re still a part of everything I do
You’re on my heart just like a tattoo

(Just like a tattoo, I’ll always have you
I’ll always have you, I’ll always have you)

Forgetting for a second that the central simile is groaningly clumsy . . . how many cliches can be crammed into one chorus?

Additionally, the whole commits a cardinal sin: it’s boring. Really boring. Watching-grass-grow-as-the-paint-dries boring. Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend may be weak on a number of levels, but at least it rocks a little, it’s catchy, and its video demonstrates that Avril has grown up to look kinda like Kristen Bell’s not-quite-as-hot little sister. Tattoo could be used by the U.S. Military as a first-strike pacification method; they could pipe it in through the radio stations of hostile countries and murder the opposition in their sleep.

Back to the foundational simile: “You’re on my heart just like a tattoo.” Are heart tattoos a new thing with the kids? “Hey, crack this one’s chest; he wants a Mighty Mouse on his aorta.”

I kind of appreciate that the objection of her affection isn’t “in” her metaphorical heart, but ON her heart. It makes it sound like someone is sitting on her ribcage. “You’re on my heart just like I’m being pressed in the manner of the Salem Witch Trials!” That would be an awesome line, save for the fact that it doesn’t rhyme.

Inspired by Chanel’s post from earlier this week, I now revisit the halcyon days of “Spice World”.

And now, the bridge from “Spice Up Your Life”:

Flamenco
Lambada
But Hip Hop is harder
We moon walk the foxtrot
Then polka the salsa
Shake Shake Shake haka
Shake Shake Shake haka

Verily, the voice of a generation, were they not? I can’t tell you how many young girls I saw in the late ’90s getting out there to polka the salsa.

I’m also intrigued by “Flamenco/Lambada/But Hip Hop is harder”. Are they saying that the music is harder (true), or that it’s harder to dance hip-hop than it is to do the Lambada? I would say that it’s harder to dance the Lambada, because after all . . .

So I was considering which of Britney’s songs to use in the feature after the latest news when something became quite clear. Despite the fact that she doesn’t do the heavy lifting when it comes to the writing of her tunes, there sure seem to be a lot of lyrics presaging the notion that she’s, well, crazy.

“When I’m not with you, I lose my mind.” - Baby One More Time

“Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide.” - Sometimes

“Crazy, but it feels all right.” - Drive Me Crazy

“‘Cause to lose all my senses, that is just so typically me.” - Oops I Did It Again

“Lost in an image, in a dream. But there’s no one there to wake her up.” - Lucky

“Here i go on my own ; I dont need nobody, better off alone.” - Stronger

“Too high/Can’t come down/ Losing my head/Spinning round and round/ Do you feel me now?” - Toxic

“What’s practical, what’s logical, what the hell who cares!” - Slave 4 U

And that’s just a small sample.

In the face of that, Syd Barrett seems remarkably well-adjusted.

Actually, I completely understand the lyrics.

What I don’t understand is that, knowing what the lyrics mean, how it ever gets played on the radio.

If you think about what is meant by the “Superman” reference (or Supaman, if you prefer), then you’ll be mystified as well.

Though Fergie’s (admittedly curvy) body of work contains many senseless lyrics, I must admit that I enjoy the images conjured by this bit from “Clumsy”:

When you touch my sleeve
Butterflies so crazy

I think it would be outstanding to have clothing that drove insects insane at the slightest touch. Think of the super-heroic applications!

Red Skull: I have you now, Mein Capitain!

Captain America: Not so fast, Ratzi! Watch as I touch my new Alex Ross-designed glove!

Red Skull: Ach Lieber!! Un swarm de locusts!!!! Jawhol!!!!!!!

Captain America: That’ll teach you to mess with America, Red Scum!