If this song were about Hervé Villechaize instead of banal sentimentality, then it would kick 31 flavors of ass. As it is, it’s junior high poety from another American Idol winner; the charts are merely a truck-stop on her slow journey back to anonymity.

Here’s a sample:

I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing’s broken
No need to worry ’bout everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don’t look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You’re still a part of everything I do
You’re on my heart just like a tattoo

(Just like a tattoo, I’ll always have you
I’ll always have you, I’ll always have you)

Forgetting for a second that the central simile is groaningly clumsy . . . how many cliches can be crammed into one chorus?

Additionally, the whole commits a cardinal sin: it’s boring. Really boring. Watching-grass-grow-as-the-paint-dries boring. Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend may be weak on a number of levels, but at least it rocks a little, it’s catchy, and its video demonstrates that Avril has grown up to look kinda like Kristen Bell’s not-quite-as-hot little sister. Tattoo could be used by the U.S. Military as a first-strike pacification method; they could pipe it in through the radio stations of hostile countries and murder the opposition in their sleep.

Back to the foundational simile: “You’re on my heart just like a tattoo.” Are heart tattoos a new thing with the kids? “Hey, crack this one’s chest; he wants a Mighty Mouse on his aorta.”

I kind of appreciate that the objection of her affection isn’t “in” her metaphorical heart, but ON her heart. It makes it sound like someone is sitting on her ribcage. “You’re on my heart just like I’m being pressed in the manner of the Salem Witch Trials!” That would be an awesome line, save for the fact that it doesn’t rhyme.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 14th, 2008 at 12:38 pm and is filed under Music, Senseless Lyrics, Troy Brownfield. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.