Vince, what did you do to Wrestlemania?
Seriously. Because it was garbage–predictably boring, linear garbage. I’ve been watching the WWE religiously since 1987. I’ve seen just about every Wrestlemania at the time of it’s broadcast. I have already starting planning my attendance to next year’s event in Orlando, Florida but I MAY NOT GO–not after last night. I’m going to run down the card with a “not so brief” analysis of the event.
Wrestlemania 23!
Opening by Aretha Franklin–nostalgia buffs rejoice–20 years ago she sang the National Anthem. All I can say is this: I think she may have eaten several of her back-up singers prior to the show.
The theme for this year’s event is “All Grown Up”–now your guess is as good as mine as to why they would’ve gone with a cutesy theme such as this–tough guys allegedly beating the shit out of each other and you’ve got a series of montages that show little kids dressed up like the superstars? Weak. Half of your male audience has already left–are you trying to poison the rest of us?
Interestingly, the Money in the Bank match starts the show. I like when the WWE books a match with a lot of “spots” early–BUT it kind of shoots that middle of the show “wad” early because this match could’ve carried them through their second hour. I would’ve gotten a different match out of the way–but I guess it’s just a way to fire the crowd up. With all 8 of the combatants you had: Edge, Randy Orton, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Booker T, Fit Finley, Mr. Kennedy, and CM Punk.
The Good: Jeff Hardy and Matt Hardy fighting each other–I’ve been waiting 9 years for this rivalry. I would hope and pray that the creative morons writing what is the worst product since 1996 could see what could potentially be a great feud. CM Punk figured in prominently in the match–a plus, considering he’s in the doghouse over some issue with Arn Anderson, who is too old to know what’s good for the fans if you ask me. Jeff Hardy and Edge probably had one of the few dangerous spots of the night–Jeff drops Matt’s leg drop off a ladder about 15 feet to the outside of the ring on top of Edge, who was laid over a ladder suspended between the ring and the guard rail. They get removed–but are they hurt or is that to get them out of the way to sell the winner of the match? Plus, Randy Orton is really good at delivering a lightning fast RKO–kind of reminded me of how HBK can strike out of nowhere. Orton could be a real psychological heel–the likes of Jake Roberts if creative would stop coddling him with his 3rd generation legacy gimmick. Gooooo Steroids!
The Bad: Booker T’s gimmick and his valet. This guy is the last man standing from the WCW merger and he still gets NO RESPECT. Not to mention–he’s a great face and has one of the greatest entrance themes in modern wrestling. His wife is a succubus around the ring that doesn’t bring pops or heat to Booker T–she’s abysmal. Fit Finley’s gimmick also is ridiculous–get that “little person” or as I like to call them–MIDGETS, out of the damn ring! No one believes he’s a fucking leprechaun! I’d rather see an evil clown…or an old, fat southern man with peroxide blond hair and a 55 year old black cleaning lady for a valet then this shillelagh toting old fart and his kinky bed partner in a wrestling ring.
The Ugly: Kennedy’s lack of in-ring charisma. He’s a good worker–don’t get me wrong BUT he is devoid of any kind of theatrics–he actually laid out of 80% of the match because of a bump he took early on where he hit his head pretty badly on one of the ladders. Fit Finley needs to stick to being a road agent–there’s only need for one geriatric man in the ring and that’s RIC FLAIR–WOOOOO!
Cards on the table: One of the better matches of the night. I did NOT like that Ken Kennedy won the MitB and his post-match promo was garbage. I was really hoping that Matt Hardy or CM Punk might win the match–a true swerve. Plus, Kennedy’s a heel and he won WITHOUT CHEATING…this is the start of an ugly pattern–you’ll see.
Next match: The Great Khali vs. Kane
The Good: Kane’s intro is wicked sick! I love the 666 stuff and the hands writhing with the flames. Very awesome–and the hook has grown on me. Glen is in pretty good shape–I just wish they put some weird S&M mask with a zipper over the mouth on him–like Machine from 8mm…he’d “sell” scary then.
The Bad: Khali. He sucks. He looks amazing–it’s a shame that he works like a robot. He makes me miss Paul Wight before he got all big and fat and lazy.
The Ugly: The length of this match. Holy Crap, Vince…did you just feed one of your “company men” to your circus sideshow attraction that can’t work? Undertaker never had to do anything this bad…ever. Kane’s been doing your bidding for a long time as well–give the guy some respect.
Eh?: No. I hated this match. Khali sucks–I love Kane in a heterosexual manner that befits a bad ass crazy eyed freak with barbed wire on his tights but this match was a dud. The crowd seemed to be asleep.
Now, we have a segue into Eugene and Cryme Tyme–WTF!!! Why aren’t these guys the tag champs yet?!? A series of absolutely amazing promos…a decent start on Raw and “fizzle fo’ shizzle my nizzle”–I don’t get it. Plus, Nick Dinsmore is one of the most technically sound young wrestlers in the ring–and he’s still retarded?!? Hit him on the head or have Eric Bischoff take him somewhere for shock therapy–he had a much better gimmick in OVW–and their gimmicks usually come from the coloring books kids get at Waffle House.
I have to admit the segment got a chuckle out of me. With all the Legends dancing around–and Ricky Steamboat celebrating the fact that he can be referred to on television again. I just hated to see the fan-favorite Cryme Tyme team getting abused like this. Slick needs to manage Cryme Tyme–that would be off the chizzle fo’ shizzle!
Next match: Chris Benoit vs. Montel–er, um–MVP.
The Good: MVP’s best match to date. Also, his intro was actually cool with the cheerleaders–I like this guy’s gimmick but they really need to play up his character more–or is he that flaccid on the mic? Benoit either made him look good or MVP worked his ass off–because this match was technically sound.
The Bad: Where’s the heeling? MVP is a heel…yet there was no heel action. I kind of thought Benoit would drop the US title last night since word on the street is that he is heading over to Monday night.
The Ugly: The lack of audience participation and Benoit’s YELLOW tights. No heel heat.
Well?: Not a bad match–would’ve opened with this though–aaaand MVP needs that belt to give his gimmick more credibility.
Segue to hell: Someone shoot me in the face–it’s the BOoOogey Man–and Trump makes him get him a sandwich.
The most out of place match of the night: Undertaker vs. Batista
The Good: This fued. The Undertaker’s intro. Batista slamming Undertaker from announce table to another announce table. Undertaker wrestling like he was 29 years old again–big men usually can’t do that kind of thing when they’re 48ish…
The Bad: The lack of a true heel in the match–yes, I get it…Dave is supposed to be the bad guy but you’ve got him in ‘tweener limbo and he doesn’t have the “chops” to carry it past the physicality department. You know what’s really bad? The fact that the Undertaker hasn’t wrestled this good since Wrestlemania 13–because he was so good I felt bad for not cheering for him.
The Ugly: The finish of this match being like flat soda and anti-climatic crap. I enjoyed this match–don’t get me wrong but again–no one really heeled. The crowd boo’d Dave but he wasn’t over–he needs to destroy someone, “Oh Khali?” Undertaker’s victory seemed phoned in–with no heavy reversals.
Overall: I want to see how this develops–which is a rarity for me because I can’t stand most of Smackdown. The only way I’m going to get into this title reign for the Taker is if he has an opponent that can hang in his yard.
Baby Segue/ Crazy Grandpa: Vince this is the most explicit example of why your family never needs to be seen on camera eeeever again. You’re an idiot. Baby’s eye view was soooo predictable and your promo didn’t make sense–no one wants you to be the crazy evil promoter anymore–they want you to go home, baldy (oops–spoiler, c’mon seriously…)
Holy crap: “The remnants of ECW post rehab, blunts, and buffets” versus “Corporate Cock Jams ECW: WWE style”…
The Good: Elijah Burke and Monty Brown–no, I refuse to call the guy Marquis Cor Von–that’s his “slave name”. The fact that RVD will probably be the TNA Champion in a year and some change. Sandman and Sabu were the stars on the old regime’s team. Thorn staying out of the way also made me happy–I like to beat goth kids up, I bet he has a second job at Cinna-Bon–all those vampire weirdos do. The best maneuver the whole match: a Monkey Flip given by RVD to Matt “How does this guy still have a job” Stryker…everyone in the room yelled out in unison, “HOLY SHIT, THAT’S THE BEST MONKEY FLIP I’VE EVER SEEN!”
The Bad: The entirety of this angle–and Tommy Dreamer’s fading star and growing waistline. The match in general was terrible but had a few good spots–you could see the audience on TV side going to get snacks, usually wrestling fans won’t even go take a piss–they’ll just sit there and wet themselves–well, not tonight, they were civilized and waited to go pee until this match started.
The Ugly: The fact that ECW is ruined. I hate that I lurk YouTube for real ECW matches–it’s like I’m a junkie in need of a fix. Honestly–the roster of ECW needs to be on the Smackdown roster. I think all the African American talent should rise up and form a new Nation of Domination and string Vince up in a tree–so Ron Simmons can really say “DAMN.”
Overall: This match was treated like an “afterthought”. I mainly sat very still–depressed. I wanted to cut on myself in that “Emo kid” kind of way. Oh well, I’ll be on YouTube watching the Franchise and praying to Satan that he can raise the dead so Shane Douglas can lead the “undead Triple Threat”…
Look at the time fly by and hey, that’s Tommy Hearns looking like an idiot: Lashley vs. Umaga with some old guy as the guest referee.
The Good: Bobby Lashley’s crazy facial expressions when he looks like he’s about to lose it. He’s the freak Big Poppa Pump wishes he could be! I cheered for this guy in Augusta last November–from 20 feet away, he is a scary dude. Yes, he has Mike Tyson’s voice but he’s got the potential to be one of their REAL draws in the future–close your eyes (not really, keep reading) and imagine: Lashley vs. Undertaker or Lashley vs. Lesnar (my favorite pro-wrestling fantasy match next to Batista vs. Lesnar)…
I also loved the Donald’s bump–you go you old deflated, comb-over wearing, money grubbing sack of crap! Actually, there were several decent bumps from Umaga and Lashley. The match was good…wait for it…
Yeah, Vince is bald. Funny and yet lame all at the same time. Oh and this guy, that looks like SCSA, gave the Donald this thing that looked like a stunner–it actually made me laugh because I didn’t think that kind of thing happened anymore…
The Bad: Umaga’s gimmick–seriously–none of us are stupid–let that kid be himself. Or better–bring back Afa and Sika and make them Samoan mafia-types who Vince owes favors to…then you can bring back 3 Minute Warning–because fat guys that are high-fliers are BAD ASS! I hate Estrada–but I love when he gets tossed around. Oh and look–more McMahon action stinking up the match–yes, Shane, we get it–you can jump far and steal the Van Terminator the bestest of all.
The Ugly: The man formerly known as Stone Cold Steve Austin–we actually had a really good discussion about him during the match. He really didn’t receive much of a reaction at all. Want to know why? Because the people who watched the Attitude Era of WWE aren’t watching wrestling anymore. Sure, you’ve got the old regime–guys like me and our ilk–who would quote Mikey Whipwreck by saying, “I’m hardcore,” and you’ve got the new younger audience that don’t remember much of Steve Austin but they think he’s okay. Face facts, Steve Austin left the WWE and proceeded to self-destruct. That guy that average America loved and tuned in for isn’t coming back…well, maybe if he wrestled Hulk Hogan–but until then–don’t expect much from him–he’s past over, he’s done. The worst part was a friend of mine kept looking over at me and saying, “Man, I’d rather watch Lashley and Umaga then care about anything Austin has to do with this match up.”
Overall: See what you did “man who looks like Stone Cold”; you made me cry! Hopefully this haircut will mean Vince will be OFF camera until his hair grows back–although, I wouldn’t mind “the genetic jack hammer” stealing the wig gimmick from Kurt Angle. This match was time spent…not well spent–just spent.
How long is this ride? I’m getting motion sick: Lumber Jill Match–Some chick with nice tits versus some broad with a nice ass.
The Good: Possible up-skirts and girls jogging down the entrance ramp.
The Bad: The fact that I almost vomited when I saw nude pics of Mickie James and that the WWE let Melina and Ashley wrestle–I would’ve rather watched Flair “not wrestle” with Carlito against Chavo and Greg “No Gimmicks Necessary” Helms–why didn’t this match happen on air–DAMN YOU, YOU DVD PIMPS!
The Ugly: Melina’s outfit–again, did you see the wrestling in this match–ATROCIOUS. I miss Chyna when I see shit like this. If I want to see hot girls doing naughty stuff I’ll download some PORN…I don’t want to watch a bathing suit competition when I want to see something violent…it’s a concept that truly is good on paper but not for guys who actually want to watch wrestling. WTF died on Maria’s head?!?
Overall: Don’t get me wrong by that last statement–we mentally undressed everyone of those unsuspecting (yeah right) women but seriously–lots of wrestlers just got to stand around so we could suffer through this?!? Piss poor.
Thank GOD, the Main-Event–aww man…: John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels
The Good: The intentions of the build-up to this match up. I remember the old-school good guy versus good guy matches. I want them to stay just like they are–as memories. Michaels and Cena had a really credible fight going on–and it was a long match! Great pile driver bump–credible delivery that was safe and didn’t ruin anyone’s career–good job, Michaels. Also, the springboard moonsault Michaels performed to the outside of the ring onto Cena against the “non-crash” announce table was breathtaking. Lots of speedy reversals–honestly an exciting match. I loved the walk up the entrance ramp by Michaels as he mouthed “Not tonight, kid.” when Cena tried to shake his hand–I don’t think Michaels liked doing the job for the sailor–erm, Marine loving, improper salutin’ gangsta wanna-be…can you tell I don’t care for the champ? Michaels had a killer elbow drop onto Cena–but I may need to thank the guy manning “camera #3″ for the angle more so than the actually delivery of the maneuver.
The Bad: NOOOOO HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLINNNNNGGG! Again, with no clear cut bad guy–the match has a big open hole. Cena was getting BOO’d much like he got boo’d at the Hall of Fame Ceremony–the real smart marks don’t like this guy–he’s a 4 move champ that makes for a much better heel–I think Vince likes the all the teenage girl dollars that Marky Mark, I mean John Cena, brings in. I really want to see Cena snap–drop the act and go back to being the “prototypical superstar”–he’s been training since he was like 4 years old to be a wrestler. I respect that–now do something new and show me something to be impressed by–your gimmick is stale, your finisher is a standing fireman’s carry, and I actually miss your cheesy rapping–because the three fingered saluting and the military worship doesn’t entertain ALL OF US.
The Ugly: The finish of this match. Shawn Michaels should NEVER ever tap like that. He’s known for his resilience and his “catch-as-catch-can” style that makes him hard to pin down. Did I mention that there was no HEEL activity on the radar? Either one of these dudes could be a bad ass heel–seriously. RAW better make some developments. Oh and please, kill the DX music–Everyone knows Michaels is only doing the DX gig for the “merch” paycheck–God Bless him, right?
Overall: A good match but I wanted to see some development–story-wise. Michaels winning the title would’ve been a better cliff hanger–because “Mr. You Can’t See Me” wouldn’t have seen the sweet chin music coming.
What do I think?
I think this was the worst Wrestlemania I’ve ever watched–pray for Jericho to come to his senses, for Austin to find himself and start liking his job again, for Cena to give his fans the finger tonight on RAW–and FOR GOD’S SAKE TAKE THAT RIM OFF OF THE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT–YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.
I love wrestling, don’t you?
Steven Eks
