Shotgun Reviews: 2-28-05
2.28.05
Hey! It’s been a while. You look good. How have you been? Let’s catch up on what’s happened since the last big column…
The Election: Okay. That sucked.
Hunter S. Thompson Died: Wow. That sucked too. Let’s get less depressing…
Paris Lost Her Sidekick: When I first heard this, I thought that readers had voted to have the Joker blow up Nicole Richie. As it turns own, Paris merely lost her electronic address book, terrifying B-list stars and providers of penicillin everywhere.
Survivor Restarted: Okay, no Journey jokes this time. I have to say that I really enjoyed the whole schoolyard bit when it happened (though I had a couple of related nightmares later). Imagine how lame you have to feel to not get picked for Survivor. Kind of makes gym class seem a lot better in retrospect, doesn’t it?
The Pope Got Sick, then Got Better: The Pontiff cannot be killed! He’s like a Marvel character or a sober Keith Richards. People keep expecting him to go, but there’s even money in Vegas that he’ll be officiating the Mother Church from a cyborg body in the year 2175. He won’t need the Popemobile; he’ll transform into it.
Jury Selection For Michael Jackson: I don’t think he helped his case any when he told his lawyer that he preferred that the jury be young, male, and slathered in peanut butter.
“Million Dollar Baby” Won Best Picture: Pretty good for a boxing movie that’s really about euthanasia.
“Hide and Seek”Opened: That’s a picture that should have had euthanasia.
Conduct Zero: It’s a Korean high school comedy. (Yes. Youth in Asia ).
Christina Aguilera Got Engaged: If you would have told me that she’d be the respectable one and Britney would turn out to be the skank . . . nah, I’m guess I’m not surprised either way. It’s all the wheel, folks. Tiffany may have done Playboy first, but Debbie Gibson’s there now. It’s only a matter of a couple of divorces and more decline before Christina and Britney are slugging it out for 3 rd Pictorial in a regular issue.
Brad and Jen Split: Like I care. Celebrity relationships are really of no interest to me, unless I can make an easy joke. For example: You could see the divorce coming; a bathroom mirror can only be so big. Or, to extend it to Nick and Jessica: I’m not surprised; despite the upside of banging her senseless every day, he had to eventually realize that someday she’d be less hot but still have the same mind. I’m only surprised that he didn’t chew his own arm off to complete the metaphor.
AND…I became a dad: That’s right; Connor Alexander arrived on January 24 th . My wife and he are both doing great. I’m now officially a big old softie. Almost.
A House Divided: Interesting news bits on the wires about Scott and Laci Peterson’s families bickering about the division of belongings. This whole thing has been a crazy spiral; first there was the disappearance, then the search, then the body, then the arrest, then the trial, then the conviction, then the dumb blonde’s book, and now bickering ofver stuff. Hey, wait, what was the motive again? I’m not saying that he didn’t do it; just give me the motive. Really, what was it, since he was a repeat cheater and would have gotten more money if he killed her later? I’ll wait.
Politics: It’s almost not worth debating politics in America anymore. Every side seems to feel so righteous and justified that most people go to yelling before you even get to make a point. Fox News has okayed the notion of bullying to “win” arguments, and the government even tacitly approves of shutting down objections. Ten or so years ago, this kind of thing would never have happened. What was going on then? Oh yeah, that’s right; gas prices were low, the economy was good, Bin Laden had attacked the World Trade Center and Republicans were arguing against troops in Kosovo, Somalia, and Rwanda. Funny how a blow job, a botched election and a second terrorist attack by the same guy can flip-flop everything.
I also like how Bush apologists keep saying that they don’t care if the rest of the world doesn’t like us. Excuse me? It’s this simple: if the rest of the world quits buying our stuff, then we won’t have anything to worry about keeping. If this “pro-business” administration needs to learn one thing, it’s salesmanship. True, they sold the war, but someone forgot to tell them that bait-and-switch is illegal. In terms of Hollywood PR, the U.S. is the functional equivalent of Michael Jackson; the government may think that it’s right, but there are a whole lot of other little places who are waking up after a bad touch.
Score One for the FCC: Perhaps they realized where over 80% of their complaints originate. Whatever the case, the FCC shut-down the self-serving Parents Television Council over the weekend by throwing out a complaint made against the late, lamented Angel . Turns out that the PTC encouraged its members to complain about the episode where Darla and Angel did it. They used any number of justifications, but the FCC didn’t find the episode obscene.
This takes me back to my fundamental grievance with the PTC. They claim their mission is not censorship, but to protect “the family hour”, which has traditionally been designated at the 8pm-9pm broadcast hour. There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting kid safe programs on TV, but here’s where they’re hypocrites.
Angel was a 9pm show. It was indeed on The WB, which is broadcast, but at 9pm. They’ve also complained about The Shield and Nip/Tuck . Those are on at 10pm on cable, not broadcast. They complain about CSI and ER and Rescue Me , and none of those are on at 8pm. If they truly weren’t about censorship, then their focus would be on the 8pm hour. Instead, they rail against their own version of “indecency” and “obscenity”, and, at least in the case of the WWE and perhaps more, they’ve occasionally used falsehoods to make their case. They also submit repeat complaints, numbering in the thousands.
This whole organization is as it always has been: a serving tool at the whim of a man whose father wrote speeches for Joseph McCarthy. Is that who you want protecting your children, or would you rather police your own TV, wait till 9pm and then tell him to shove his remote up his ass?
One Real Time Complaint: I like Bill Maher’s Real Time on HBO, but I have one complaint. He’s stuck on hating comic book based films. Why? With all the issues he covers, THAT is the one he comes back to? If you’re talking about the maturity of the American cinema, Bill, I’d start by apologizing for Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death and House II .
