An Informal List of Television Ponderances
by Troy Brownfield

These are random items that have accumulated to bother me over the years. I submit them for you to mull over, debate, or write songs about. It can be added to as the need arises.

1) On The Love Boat, Isaac tended bar up on deck, in the Pirate’s Cove and in the ballroom. For each scene, he would have a different outfit. How did he move between bars so quickly, changing as he went? I theorize that the bars were each on different levels and that he had a bat-pole style device that facilitated rapid movement and clothes-changing.

2) On Manimal, why didn’t he ever turn into anything other than a hawk, a panther or a dog? Wouldn’t it have been cool for him to turn into an eel or a porcupine or an elephant now and then? The relative mass argument doesn’t work, as the hawk is much smaller than a man to begin with. I believe the show would have lasted longer with a wider array of animals.

3) On MacGyver, if Mac needed glasses to read, shouldn’t he have put them on to disarm atomic bombs?

4) How many members of the A-Team were there? Don’t forget to count both women from the first two seasons, the Hispanic special effects guy from the last season, and Tia Carrere’s guest stint as a nurse. That would be eight. Do we count Decker, who was their commander in Vietnam?

5) Do you ever watch Dawson’s Creek and wonder when John Wesley Shipp is going to burst out of the room at super-speed?

6) Speaking of which, on Sisters, Sela Ward had storylines that involved both Shipp (The Flash) and George Clooney (Batman). Does that mean that Stephen Collins or that Ed Marinaro guy from Hill Street Blues is going to end up playing Superman?

7) Speaking of Stephen Collins, I have five words: Tales from the Gold Monkey. That makes me think of eight more words: Bruce Boxleitner in Bring ‘Em Back Alive.

8) When are people going to acknowledge that Babylon 5 is better than Star Trek? And does Bruce Boxleitner ever think, “Man, I’m sleeping with Half-Pint?”

9) The first five Charlie’s Angels (Kate Jackson, Jacklyn Smith, Farrah Fawcett, Cheryl Ladd and Shelly Hack, or if you prefer, Sabrina, Kelly, Jill, Kris and Tiffany) were cops. However, the last one (Tanya Roberts aka Julie) was a model. Even though she had, as Kelly described, a “tough edge”, why did the producers think this break from formula was good? The show ended that year.

10) Peter Boyle played the monster in Young Frankenstein. David Boyle played Bosley. Tom Bosley played Mr. Cunningham. Everyone got that?

11) Regarding Happy Days, what the hell happened to Richie’s older brother?

12) I find it implausible when an entire cast moves, as the cast of Laverne & Shirley did when they went from Milwaukee to Hollywood.

13) Does anyone actually exercise to the shows on ESPN2?

14) Larry King and Katie Couric are the two worst interviewers on TV ever. And that’s with me including Magic Johnson.

15) The Brady Bunch. Cousin Oliver. Who’s idea was that?

16) If you were KITT from Knight Rider, wouldn’t you yell “BOO!” to random passers-by in dark parking lots?

17) Is David Hasslehoff a genius or merely lucky?

18) Who would have won in this fist fight: Lee Horsely and Buddy Ebsen from Matt Houston vs. Daniel Hugh-Kelly and Brian Keith from Hardcastle and McCormick.

19) You think Scott Baio had any idea how hot the two blondes from the second version of Charles in Charge would grow up to be?

20) Wonder Woman went from the 1940s to the 1970s in one season and no one noticed (not even Debra Winger, who played Wonder Girl).